A few years ago, I went through a traumatic experience that left me virtually “undone”. At the time, I was teaching bible study on a regular basis, starting to speak at retreats, and experiencing new things in my spiritual life that astounded me. God was taking me to a whole new level.
While struggling with getting pregnant after a miscarriage, I thought I heard God clearly tell me something that did not pan out. I was devastated. Not so much about the thing that didn’t pan out… but by the fact that I was convinced I heard Him clearly. It made me question everything. All that God had done in me, and everything I thought I’d heard Him say in the past.
It was a dark time for me. I couldn’t trust anyone or anything. I didn’t want to walk with God anymore… but where could I go? I knew too much. I knew He was real. I just didn’t know how to move forward.
I look back on that season with such a different perspective now. God allowed my “undoing” for very good reason. I had a lot of understanding regarding His word and His ways, but I had no clear understanding of how much He loved me.
And that is what I learned in the dark season. I couldn’t pray, I couldn’t read the word. I could only sit and cry. I didn’t want to hear anything from Him that required action on my part (because I was convinced I couldn’t trust my own hearing). It was then that He began to speak words of love to me. For the first time in my life, I was able to receive it. Soon, I was able to read the bible again. From there, He spoke words of love to me. Over and over, He spoke His love to me.
It forever changed me.
Now, I have a much clearer understanding of His love. It has permeated my heart, my mind, my soul. By no means have I arrived… the depths of His love are unfathomable! It will take me a lifetime to fully understand. In the past couple of years, He has worked to remove many of the barriers that once stood in the way of His love. The affection of my Heavenly Father and Savior on the cross flow more freely into my heart than ever before.
I heard Joyce Meyer say something this morning that really got me thinking about this very subject of love. Consider two of the disciples. Peter continually professed his love for and devotion to Christ (Matthew 17, Mark 8, Luke 22). On the other hand, John was known as “the disciple whom Jesus loved” (which he professed in his writings in John 13:23, 21:7, 21:20). While Peter was focused on his own love for Jesus, John was blessed with a clear understanding of how much Christ loved him.
Both men were affected by the understanding that they had. Both professed their understanding in words and actions. When we look at the moment that Jesus went to the cross, we see a vast difference between these two men. Peter found that his devotion to Jesus wavered when he denied knowing the Savior, yet John was present at the foot of the cross and accepted Christ’s request to care for His mother.
This morning I realized that I used to be a Peter, but now I’m more like John. This penetrating understanding of His love and care for me has proven to be of more value to me than I ever imagined.
If this revelation is sorely lacking in your life… ask God to give you a deeper understanding of His love. When you read the scriptures, press in and look for the evidence of His love. What you discover there, repeat to yourself over and over. You will believe far more of what you say out loud than what you merely read.
May you confidently become the individual that Jesus loves, and may you proclaim it all the day!
