the desire of my heart

I was reading Psalm 21 yesterday. What a true psalm of praise. How can one read that, and not think of all the ways that God has saved, provided, rescued?

As I read verse 2, it was like a flood broke in my heart and the tears came pouring out.  “You have given him his heart’s desire, and have not withheld the request of his lips.” (NKJ)  I saw the absolute truth of this verse on two levels. Let me rewind a little to explain.

Nearly two years ago, the Lord began working in my heart as He posed a question to me. Would I be willing to have another child?  I had two girls, aged 9 and nearly 7 at the time.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. They were becoming more self-sufficient. We were moving into a new phase and I was loving it. Have a baby and start all over? No thank you, Lord.

Well, He persisted. Through one of my daughters, through the Word of God, through others. I knew He was talking to me.  But I have plans, Lord. What about the things that I desire, God? I decided that it was too crazy to move forward without some confirmation. I asked a friend to pray for me, but I did not give her any details. It turns out that she didn’t need any details from me, because the Lord was clear in communicating to her that a baby was in my future.

The more I prayed, the more it became clear to me that the baby would be a son. And the purpose would not be about me, but about blessing my husband.  I shared this news with my hubby several months down the road. It took some time, but we were finally willing to let God do what He wanted.

Within 10 days of opening the door for God to do His will, I became pregnant. We were in shock. God really meant what He said!  We were excited, but mostly scared out of our minds. Our life and family circumstances were not ideal for having another baby, but we tried to trust Him.

Then, the unthinkable happened. We went to the doctor at 11 weeks to hear the heartbeat for the first time, but there was no heartbeat. Our baby had been developing, but the heart stopped beating. He was taken from us.

The sorrow came. The questions came. The anger came. Was God messing with us? Was this some kind of sick test? Could we really trust Him after this? We wrestled and wrestled with these hard questions.  We cried alot.

Then the answers started coming. We realized that this baby…the one that we weren’t sure we were ready for…. this baby that wasn’t our idea…. this baby was ALL that we wanted.  We were sure that God wanted us to have a son, and now we desperately wanted God to carry out His will. No questions. No doubts. We wanted a son. Funny how a tragic event can change our perspective.

It took another 8 months before we got pregnant again. It wasn’t until we let it go that God was able to do His work again. This week we faced the one year anniversary of our miscarriage… and thanks to the Lord, the pain was softened, very nearly wiped out, by the growing baby in my womb. It was no coincidence that four days before the anniversary of our loss, we found out that this baby is indeed a son.

So back to Psalm 21:2. I’ll personalize it a little bit. “You have given me my heart’s desire, and have not withheld the request of my lips.” Clearly, God has given us what we desired, what we have requested from Him.  No question there.  But the Holy Spirit led me a little deeper into this verse.

God has given me my heart’s desire. Not just granted my heart’s desire, but He actually gave me, planted within me,  birthed in my heart this desire for a son. It’s not what I wanted two years ago. It’s what He wanted for me, and He took my stubborn heart and transformed it in His loving hands.   He brought me in line with His will and led me to a place where I could say, “Yes, Lord.”

I not only thank Him for giving me this precious son, but I praise Him for giving me the desire to begin again as a mother. To add a new soul to our family. To bless my husband, who has given selflessly to our family for nearly 14 years. God is good. I think I’ll let him give me the desires of my heart from now on.

What do I want next, Lord?